Tag: healing

Healing Comes First

Healing Comes First

by iwanderbyfaith ♥ 2 Comments

First Comes Love, Then Comes The Therapist

I have noticed a disturbing theme in the news and social media. That theme is dysfunctional relationships. Of course, I know that people have had dysfunctional relationships forever. Still, we live in a time where people’s quarrels play out in front of the world, whether it’s celebrities in courtroom dramas or your average social media over-sharer. Whatever the case, it is necessary to point out how important it is to heal from our traumas before forming relationships with people.

I can speak from experience. I have lived in extreme toxicity and have been a very toxic person myself. However, I can look back at my shameful behavior through my healing, which is still very fresh and new, and see it for precisely what it is. Though I thought I was right in my behavior at the time, I can now see that I was acting out of trauma and letting my emotions erupt and spew uncontrollably.

I have seen marriages and relationships in the news lately, and it sickens me to watch. I recognize some of the toxic traits and behaviors. What stands out overall is people’s emotional immaturity. I got married in the church and partook in premarital counseling. I can see how this can be helpful to two people who are emotionally mature and have done some trauma healing. Unfortunately, that was not my case.

I wish I had known more about myself at that time. I wish I knew more about why I was getting married, who I was marrying, and what traumas we both were dragging into this marriage with us. I wish someone stopped and shook me and said, “Stop! You both need to go to therapy first, work on yourself, and then come back together and do couples counseling.”

I think this approach would weed out a lot of bad marriages from occurring and strengthen marriages that blossom out of healing. I know, that not everyone is up for therapy, and how they respond in therapy also would depend on where they are in their emotional maturity. Still, I think it could shine a light on many areas that get overlooked and glossed over in premarital counseling, which lead to significant problems as the marriage progresses.

My husband and I have had our fair share of drama, and we are in a much healthier place than we have been. We have been together a long time and have grown tremendously, but I can say that healing before would have saved us a lot of heartbreak warfare.

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Choosing Vulnerability

Choosing Vulnerability

by iwanderbyfaith ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Bruné Browns Advice for Living Whole Heartedly

Well, it is no secret I took time away from my blog. I have talked about my issues with authenticity and emotional detachment. I am seeing a therapist now, and I have made great strides. I can feel my emotions! She recommended a book by Brené Brown called, The Power of Vulnerability.

I can’t say this journey has been easy. I have never been able to accept that feelings are normal and not a sign of weakness. So when I looked for the book and saw it was an almost 7-hour long audiobook, I said, no way am I listening to some chick speak about vulnerability for 7 hours! I did, though, find a Ted Talk that was only about 20 mins long, and I thought to myself, what a great alternative!

The Ted Talk was excellent. Brené blew me away. She was fun and relatable, and she despised vulnerability as much as I did. But, she made excellent points and convinced me that I needed to buy the audiobook.

I am so glad I did. I learned so much about myself. I have come to find out that I avoid all feelings, even happiness, and joy. I also learned that I am vulnerable in ways I didn’t know. I also discovered the shields I use against vulnerability and how to recognize when I do so and change my practice.

Brené gives mantras to help you manage challenging situations, and I have shared them several times with my family and friends. She encourages us to make our mantras as well. One that I have written on a note on my computer says, “I am not responsible for other people’s emotions.” I need that reminder often. One of hers I love and use is, “Choose discomfort over resentment.”

I took so many notes, and I will be reading more of her work. If you struggle with any vulnerability or confidence problems, I recommend this book. I could go on all day about the things in this book, but I linked the Ted Talk below as a sample.

Have you read any of Brené Brown’s books?

Loss, Control, and Healing

Loss, Control, and Healing

by iwanderbyfaith ♥ 1 Comment

Repeat After Me, Emotions make us human.

It’s been just about two months since I lost my gram. I haven’t been able to deal with my feelings about it. So this is hard for me to share, as you know, I am not comfortable with sharing. It makes me want to hide in a hole, but I have been at a loss for words for a bit trying to figure out some things.

I struggle with emotions, feeling things, facing things. Things that make me uncomfortable or sad. So much of my life is out of my hands, I pray, and I trust God, but it’s still hard sometimes. I couldn’t deal with losing my gram. I was already bottling up so much, and losing my gram was too much. I shut down emotionally. I hate feeling sad or helpless. I hate crying. I had always felt weak when I cried. I know its ridiculous. So I just shut off my feelings, so I don’t have to deal with them. What I did not anticipate was that I wouldn’t feel anything at all anymore. No emotions. None. I knew how I was supposed to feel, but I just felt nothing.

I have been on a mission to recover my emotions. To be honest, I did not want to. At first, I was ok with not feeling anything except I didn’t feel happy either. Just numb. Jesus made it quite clear to me that holding out on my feelings rather than letting Him have them was not ok. He showed me that I was not giving up all of me. I had tried to take control of my emotions myself. So, I have found a way to help reinstate my emotions through prayer, yoga, Christian meditation, and journaling. I sort of feel better, but I didn’t know how much it was helping until I played Roberto Griego while I made breakfast Saturday and couldn’t hold back the tears. If you haven’t heard of him, he is a New Mexico music artist. I always played his music for my gram when we were together, running errands, or getting ice cream.

I have never been so happy to feel sad in my whole life. I miss her so much. Losing someone that meant the world to you is so hard whether you are a Christian or not. Knowing she is in Heaven is terrific, but she’s still not here. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. I miss squeezing her little tiny shoulders and kissing her cheek. These are all things I can feel sad about now. It’s a strange thing to be happy about, but when you have been numb for so long, it feels good to feel something.

I know that my emotions play a unique role in my life, and by putting myself on autopilot and turning them off, I am not taking an active part in my life. I am learning to deal with them, live in them, and work on being ok with shedding a tear or two if it helps me feel something. I know I will see my gram again, and that is a hope I can find some peace in.

I love and miss you so much Gram!