Repeat After Me, Emotions make us human.
It’s been just about two months since I lost my gram. I haven’t been able to deal with my feelings about it. So this is hard for me to share, as you know, I am not comfortable with sharing. It makes me want to hide in a hole, but I have been at a loss for words for a bit trying to figure out some things.
I struggle with emotions, feeling things, facing things. Things that make me uncomfortable or sad. So much of my life is out of my hands, I pray, and I trust God, but it’s still hard sometimes. I couldn’t deal with losing my gram. I was already bottling up so much, and losing my gram was too much. I shut down emotionally. I hate feeling sad or helpless. I hate crying. I had always felt weak when I cried. I know its ridiculous. So I just shut off my feelings, so I don’t have to deal with them. What I did not anticipate was that I wouldn’t feel anything at all anymore. No emotions. None. I knew how I was supposed to feel, but I just felt nothing.
I have been on a mission to recover my emotions. To be honest, I did not want to. At first, I was ok with not feeling anything except I didn’t feel happy either. Just numb. Jesus made it quite clear to me that holding out on my feelings rather than letting Him have them was not ok. He showed me that I was not giving up all of me. I had tried to take control of my emotions myself. So, I have found a way to help reinstate my emotions through prayer, yoga, Christian meditation, and journaling. I sort of feel better, but I didn’t know how much it was helping until I played Roberto Griego while I made breakfast Saturday and couldn’t hold back the tears. If you haven’t heard of him, he is a New Mexico music artist. I always played his music for my gram when we were together, running errands, or getting ice cream.
I have never been so happy to feel sad in my whole life. I miss her so much. Losing someone that meant the world to you is so hard whether you are a Christian or not. Knowing she is in Heaven is terrific, but she’s still not here. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. I miss squeezing her little tiny shoulders and kissing her cheek. These are all things I can feel sad about now. It’s a strange thing to be happy about, but when you have been numb for so long, it feels good to feel something.
I know that my emotions play a unique role in my life, and by putting myself on autopilot and turning them off, I am not taking an active part in my life. I am learning to deal with them, live in them, and work on being ok with shedding a tear or two if it helps me feel something. I know I will see my gram again, and that is a hope I can find some peace in.