Loss, Control, and Healing

Loss, Control, and Healing

Repeat After Me, Emotions make us human.

It’s been just about two months since I lost my gram. I haven’t been able to deal with my feelings about it. So this is hard for me to share, as you know, I am not comfortable with sharing. It makes me want to hide in a hole, but I have been at a loss for words for a bit trying to figure out some things.

I struggle with emotions, feeling things, facing things. Things that make me uncomfortable or sad. So much of my life is out of my hands, I pray, and I trust God, but it’s still hard sometimes. I couldn’t deal with losing my gram. I was already bottling up so much, and losing my gram was too much. I shut down emotionally. I hate feeling sad or helpless. I hate crying. I had always felt weak when I cried. I know its ridiculous. So I just shut off my feelings, so I don’t have to deal with them. What I did not anticipate was that I wouldn’t feel anything at all anymore. No emotions. None. I knew how I was supposed to feel, but I just felt nothing.

I have been on a mission to recover my emotions. To be honest, I did not want to. At first, I was ok with not feeling anything except I didn’t feel happy either. Just numb. Jesus made it quite clear to me that holding out on my feelings rather than letting Him have them was not ok. He showed me that I was not giving up all of me. I had tried to take control of my emotions myself. So, I have found a way to help reinstate my emotions through prayer, yoga, Christian meditation, and journaling. I sort of feel better, but I didn’t know how much it was helping until I played Roberto Griego while I made breakfast Saturday and couldn’t hold back the tears. If you haven’t heard of him, he is a New Mexico music artist. I always played his music for my gram when we were together, running errands, or getting ice cream.

I have never been so happy to feel sad in my whole life. I miss her so much. Losing someone that meant the world to you is so hard whether you are a Christian or not. Knowing she is in Heaven is terrific, but she’s still not here. I miss her laugh. I miss her jokes. I miss squeezing her little tiny shoulders and kissing her cheek. These are all things I can feel sad about now. It’s a strange thing to be happy about, but when you have been numb for so long, it feels good to feel something.

I know that my emotions play a unique role in my life, and by putting myself on autopilot and turning them off, I am not taking an active part in my life. I am learning to deal with them, live in them, and work on being ok with shedding a tear or two if it helps me feel something. I know I will see my gram again, and that is a hope I can find some peace in.

I love and miss you so much Gram!
Connecting With God

Connecting With God

Overcoming Spiritual Roadblocks.

Do you ever feel like you are having trouble connecting with God? Do you feel like you are doing everything you are supposed to do, but it feels empty? Do you feel like God doesn’t even hear you? Looking back on my journey as a Christian, I can see some roadblocks that occurred that may have stalled my growth. If you answered yes to any of these questions, I have a few things you can try that may help!

  • Be Emotionally Open and Honest with God. Opening up emotionally was so hard for me. I live my life in a safe little bubble. I do not open up to people much, if at all. I carried this habit into my relationship with God at the beginning of my walk with Him. I knew he knew everything about me, so I didn’t feel like I needed to go over the details. I was wrong; He wanted me to. I needed to. Once I surrendered and told him everything I had done, even though He knew, we had a new closeness. He had become a confidant, a friend, my Jesus. Though Jesus knows everything we have ever done and paid the price for it, he wants you to share it with Him so he can heal you. You have got to confess your sin. You can’t brush it under the rug and ignore it. It will just sit there and keep resurfacing. Once you confess your sins to Jesus, He can heal you and help you clean it out so it won’t come back!
  • Rethink Prayer. Prayer can be tough to master, especially if you are new in your faith. Growing up, I attended Catholic mass occasionally. Catholic prayer, for me, was mechanical and repetitive. Going from that to a Christian church was such a contrast. Prayer in the Christian church scared me. It was loud and emotional. They used churchy words, and some even flailed their arms around. I was so confused about how I should pray because I didn’t feel like my prayers were spiritual enough. I had to flip the word in my head from prayer to conversation. Whatever your background is with prayer, Jesus wants to hear from us. Jesus doesn’t care if you are saying repetitive chants or using spiritual churchy words. He only wants us to talk to Him. If you use those words, cool, but if you don’t, that is cool too. Tell Him what makes you sad, the bible says he grieves with us. Tell Him what makes you happy, the bible says he rejoices with us. Tell Him what’s stressing you out, the bible says to give him your worries, and he will provide you with peace. Talk to Him about your day, your decisions, everything, just talk to Him!
  • Don’t Compartmentalize Jesus. It can be so easy to keep Jesus secluded to your bible study or prayer time, but he’s with you all the time. Try talking to Him throughout the day. Let Him infiltrate your whole life. Find ways to remind your self He is there. I heard Pastor Greg Laurie talking about how he uses his Apple Watch Breathe reminders to remember Jesus throughout the day. I loved this idea, and now every time my watch tells me to breathe, I take a minute and say thank you for something I am grateful for at that moment. I don’t always have time to do the full minute of the breathing exercise, but it is still a reminder that He is there with me at that moment, and I always send up a quick thank you!

These are just a few things I would recommend trying out if you are having some connection issues in your walk with Jesus. Keep in mind that the relationship you are building with Jesus is unique, so do not compare yours with anyone else’s. Give yourself some grace and keep trying, if you are genuinely trying to cultivate a relationship with Him, know that He is ready and excited to guide you through your roadblocks right into His loving arms!